Sometimes I feel completely frustrated by my own lack of drive, but then I look at my to-do list and I see a lot crossed out. But there's always more that's uncrossed. Always.
Through my adult life, I've struggled with the idea of being a task-oriented person. There's a deep understanding I have that relationships - not tasks - are what make life fulfilling. But try as I may, I hold a tension between what I'm naturally wired for and what I more deeply desire.
What's strange is that until recently, I've always had to remind myself to invest in relationships. It's a fact that homes need to have a level of cleanliness in order to be sanitary for living. My home is nowhere near the line of becoming unsanitary. I could never let it get there because it would just drive me crazy. So, in the past, I have needed to remind myself that while I'm getting after kids to do their chores, there was still opportunity to have shared experience and create positive relationship memories.
More recently, I feel like I've been more naturally drawn to relationships and have had to really motivate myself to get anything checked off my lists. Part of this is because I have some large projects with no real end in sight. Part of me understands that the more diligently I work on these things, the closer I will get to wrapping them up. But another part of me is so frustrated with the time and energy I've already invested with little result that I just want to abandon ship on some of it.
And that brings up more contemplating. What's the benefit of continuing a project that is getting me nowhere? It's hard to see it when I'm in the middle of treading water. With hindsight, I know that I usually regret dropping a project that has gotten frustrating. Most of the things that I work on are necessary. I mean, I don't just go around finding for non-essential ways to spend my limited time. So, when I drop a project that seems futile, I end up just being further behind on a project that still needs to happen.
This week, I've finally finished collecting medical records and therapy notes for a large project that I've been working on since last November. It's a little embarrassing, honestly. I think the old me would have had this done about 6 months ago. But in the last 8 months, it's just been so hard to peel myself away from time with friends, family, and so forth because the task seems so futile. The amount of time I've put in has been immense, and the outcome is a crap shoot. This will either result in an extra $6000 a year for the next 8 years or a big, fat nothing. And I have no way to really know until I give it a try.
All I know is that it won't go away. The need that we have is here to stay, and until I get this project completed, I just can't know whether it was worth it, but ultimately, getting it done (and done well) is the only option I have because it will continue to be something in my past that I should have done. When medical bills add up and I'm unable to work as much as I want because of appointments and school meetings, it will be nice to have a $6k cushion every year. And if I don't complete it, I will always think about how much therapy that would have paid for. Once I complete it, if we are denied the funding, at least I will have tried.
But man... these tasks are just really killing me right now.
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