I've posted a couple of things on facebook recently about goals. But because I more recently deactivated my account, I can't access them. Story of my life.
Well, here's the thing. I think on the surface the two things seem contrary. One is an encouragement to shift goals to something that makes a good story. Something along the lines of "if a movie were made from your pursuit of your goals, and it wouldn't make for a compelling movie, change your goals." The other quote was a bit different. More like "don't let goals take the place of relationships."
Maybe in reality, these two things are the same. After all, the stories that we all love are the ones that are relationship-driven, aren't they? But I'm not really here to talk about relationships.
I'm here to talk about guilt.
And the fact that, lately, my goals have been nothing more than a source of it.
I think goals can be a good thing. They bring focus. They bring a sense of accomplishment. They force us to state our priorities in a tangible way. But goals in the wrong context also brings stress, anxiety, overbearing emotional weight. And for me, right now, it's the wrong context for goals.
We recently moved across the country, and I went from full-speed-ahead preparation mode to trying to settle into this new town, new lifestyle, new (small) apartment with children underfoot 24/7. I'm not complaining about being a mom here (I do that plenty, just not here). I'm simply saying that my life for the last 4 months has been full of goals. Full of deadlines. Full of tension, stress, worry, tears.
And school starts in 2 days.
Right now, I am questioning how in the world I ever homeschooled children. It seems an impossible task. And this is how I know that right now, my goals will take a backseat to breathing. I am not shifting my goals from moving tasks to relationship building. I am completely 100% letting go of goals and feeling amazing over it.
This doesn't mean that I don't still have priorities. It means that I am saving up my energies so that when kids come home from school and Billy comes home from work, I can be happy about it, rather than miffed that I "accomplished" all day and haven't had a spare moment. It means I am good with the idea of caring for myself emotionally and physically without making it a measurable item on a list.
It means, most of all, that I just want a little time to simply live and not always do.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Thursday, May 14, 2015
The Post in which I Detail the Intricacies of Finding Housing in the San Francisco Bay Area
Just to start off, this is not a post about finding housing in San Francisco proper. I have some advice about that, but what it boils down to is this: Have a crap ton of money. Live somewhere.
This is a post about finding housing in the Bay Area. Because we ruled SF out pretty darn quick considering the costs and our preferred lifestyle. Which, really, is all that it takes to find housing where you want to be.
This is a post about finding housing in the Bay Area. Because we ruled SF out pretty darn quick considering the costs and our preferred lifestyle. Which, really, is all that it takes to find housing where you want to be.
Basically, there are several factors to consider, and you want to understand how they fit into your situation, prioritize those for yourself and then the options get really narrow. Here's my list of factors that we weighed when finding our apartment.
1. Budget
2. Safety
3. School Ratings (and its subset "school guarantee")
4. Demographics (including race, economic, and subculture)
5. Yards
6. Transit Time
7. Weather
8. Types of Activities (sports, arts, etc.)
Let me break down how each of these things can factor in.
Budget
For us, the number 1 priority was budget. We are dedicated to a no-debt lifestyle, so we absolutely had to find a place that allowed us to easily pay for all the necessities, as well as invest for our future so that we can maintain a debt-free lifestyle when we are old and grey. Once we found our per-month number (along with our minimum bedrooms we were willing to have), our Craigslist results plummeted. It all but ruled out Alameda and Berkeley, which was disappointing, but so be it. Time to sift through our other factors.
Safety
We currently live in the high-end ghetto of our city. It was a choice that we made and we knew what we were doing. Still, it hasn't been easy to live in a neighborhood where you're not necessarily shocked that a murder happened down the street.
Moving to the Bay Area is a different ballgame, though. There's like... real crime there. I was a lot more hesitant to move into a location in a shady part. Plus, the reasons we moved into our current neighborhood just don't apply to our family situation anymore. So, we decided to avoid the red areas on the Trulia crime map. Basically, we are now avoiding Oakland down until you reach San Leandro.
Demographics
As a multi-cultural family, we are ardently opposed to living in a homogeneous town, particularly when the majority race is white. I was more willing to keep looking at places that have a majority of Hispanic or Asian, although diversity was still my priority. What I really was looking for was a place that had a population of each of the cultures that are represented in our family. Asians are much more abundant in California than Alabama, but African-Americans are much more of a minority. So, I was looking for a town that had a reasonable amount of blacks. Berkeley had the highest percentage at 9% (Huntsville is around 30%), but it was already ruled out due to price. Racial demographics also ruled out places like Pleasanton (60% white; 2% black), Walnut Creek (which, let's be honest... was really ruled out because of its Little House on the Prarie sounding name), and South San Francisco (only 1% black).
School Rating (and its subset "School Guarantee")
Another high priority for us was that our kids be in resourced schools with an environment of academic success. What this translates into is that we wanted a school with at least a 7 on Great Schools, which is based on testing. But we also wanted to be seeing good reviews that talked about parental involvement and a partnership mentality among the staff.
This kind of thing used to not be important to us because we homeschooled, but now that we have our kids in schools and have seen what the low scoring schools are like compared to our kids' magnet school (which scores high), we definitely know what we're looking for in schools.
The requirement of a 7 school ruled out the rest of the East Bay coast cities, such as San Leandro and Hayward, as well as the towns north of Berkeley. We were left with Castro Valley and the end-of-the BART line town Dublin.
Daly City (a town very close to SF) was eliminated through demographics, but also I think it's important to note that their school assignment process is something that I have not come across before because if Daly City had the demographics we wanted, we would have ruled it out quickly due to this process. Turns out that the high school district is huge and there are no assigned school. It is a first-come, first serve system, and our 7-rated high school in Daly City was already full for next year. The district had some other good schools, but they were far away from where we were looking. Schools that were closer were not well-rated by tests or the community reviews. Unfortunately, we wouldn't know what school our daughter could go to until we had a signed lease and applied. This was too much uncertainty for me, so I crossed Daly City off the list for good. Some places have more structure to their school assignments and some are purely based on applications and luck of the draw. So, if schools are important, it's worth finding out how schools are assigned.
This kind of thing used to not be important to us because we homeschooled, but now that we have our kids in schools and have seen what the low scoring schools are like compared to our kids' magnet school (which scores high), we definitely know what we're looking for in schools.
The requirement of a 7 school ruled out the rest of the East Bay coast cities, such as San Leandro and Hayward, as well as the towns north of Berkeley. We were left with Castro Valley and the end-of-the BART line town Dublin.
Daly City (a town very close to SF) was eliminated through demographics, but also I think it's important to note that their school assignment process is something that I have not come across before because if Daly City had the demographics we wanted, we would have ruled it out quickly due to this process. Turns out that the high school district is huge and there are no assigned school. It is a first-come, first serve system, and our 7-rated high school in Daly City was already full for next year. The district had some other good schools, but they were far away from where we were looking. Schools that were closer were not well-rated by tests or the community reviews. Unfortunately, we wouldn't know what school our daughter could go to until we had a signed lease and applied. This was too much uncertainty for me, so I crossed Daly City off the list for good. Some places have more structure to their school assignments and some are purely based on applications and luck of the draw. So, if schools are important, it's worth finding out how schools are assigned.
Transit Time
It got a little frustrating to see how far away our viable options were. Dublin, for example, is a 45-minute BART ride. With 3 kids to care for, it was hard for me to think about being on my own for the full work day plus commute, but it turns out that Dublin's position on the end of the line may actually allow for less time away from home because Billy's job is such that he is not required to be in the office certain hours. Getting on the train first guarantees him a seat where he can open up his laptop and work for 45 minutes; whereas, a 20-minute ride would essentially be wasted time standing up not working. For someone who is required to punch the clock at for a certain number of hours, this might not work as well, and the shorter commute time might be important, but for us, it wasn't.
What was important regarding the commute, though, was that Billy be able to bike reasonably to the BART station. That means that we really had to stay on the BART line and didn't have the freedom to go off too far to the side... places like San Ramon were ticked off the list (not sure if that would have still been on there with the other factors or not, but it's definitely too far from the train).
What was important regarding the commute, though, was that Billy be able to bike reasonably to the BART station. That means that we really had to stay on the BART line and didn't have the freedom to go off too far to the side... places like San Ramon were ticked off the list (not sure if that would have still been on there with the other factors or not, but it's definitely too far from the train).
Yards
Yet another thing to think about is how important a yard is. Part of me wanted to live in more of a city setting. That's my personal preference for myself. But I also have little kids to think about, and truly my own sanity with said kids. I knew that we would need a place to run around, so I was limiting my search to places that at least had a park or school yard within a child's walking distance.
Weather
I never actually considered that I'd need to think about weather when I'm comparing cities all within an hour's drive of each other. But I've learned that the Bay Area has pockets of weather and the difference between the peninsula and East Bay can be huge. Ultimately, for us, weather wasn't such a big deal. It was truly low on our priority list. But I am happy that our final decision puts us in the warmest of all the cities. I have lived my whole life (as long as I can remember, anyway) living where 95 degrees is a normal summer temperature. And I was having a hard time thinking that I might live somewhere that barely breaks 70 at its hottest. I don't even know how people swim in that weather!
Fortunately, just a quick jaunt away from SF, you can find 80 degree summers, and I'm thrilled that our apartment has a pool.
Fortunately, just a quick jaunt away from SF, you can find 80 degree summers, and I'm thrilled that our apartment has a pool.
Types of Activities
The last consideration was what kind of activities were important to us and how important those were. We are an art family. I think we all know that families usually choose... it's either sports or arts. I've rarely met the family that can find it in themselves to commit to both.
Part of the lure of San Francisco is the art culture, and I have to say, I was pretty bummed for a while that all the signs were pointing toward living further rather than closer, but in the end, we decided that our kids will have good opportunities to pursue arts through the schools, and SF isn't too far away, so we will just have to make a point to take a family outing every so often.
Monday, May 4, 2015
Spinning through the Mud of my Mind
It's 9:18, and I'm an hour ahead of schedule. Not that there aren't a million other things that could go into that slot, but with the sheer volume of to-do's, I just need to decompress and let myself rest.
I'm telling myself that I need to go shower and then start packing again, filling every little minute of time into this whole move-across-the-country thing. And I guess I will soon enough. But right now, I want to sit and think. Maybe it's not the right decision because, sometimes, sitting and thinking only makes things worse. But other times, it helps me move forward. I guess we'll see where it takes me today.
I'm tired.
I've been waking up at 5:30am for the last few weeks. I guess it's the changing season and the early rising of the sun. A hint of light slides through the window covering and my mind takes its queue that this is when we wake. Instantly, the lists flood my head... the things I've forgotten to write down, the deadlines that are soon approaching and still not accommodated. It's a lot.
Especially for a perfectionist. I've tried - trust me - to let go of that. It's like telling someone to just stop smoking. Possible? Sure. Easy? No. A life-long battle? Absolutely.
Normally, writing things down helps. It helps to get things out of my head and not have to keep track anymore. And that's still true. But writing it down also solidifies it. It's a quick, one-stop spot for the overwhelming amount of tasks on the plate.
And for some reason, my head feels cloudy. Perhaps a little sludgy. I can feel it when I try to think about moving on and accomplishing something to cross off the list. It's like the gears in my brain are spinning through mud.
The worst thing is actually when I do a task only to have to add another task onto the list because of it. Like the phone call I made today (which was actually the 3rd one to AT&T just so we can have fiber optic internet) that led to another phone call that I have to place after 11am, which will likely still not resolve the problem. All for internet service?
I'm telling myself that I need to go shower and then start packing again, filling every little minute of time into this whole move-across-the-country thing. And I guess I will soon enough. But right now, I want to sit and think. Maybe it's not the right decision because, sometimes, sitting and thinking only makes things worse. But other times, it helps me move forward. I guess we'll see where it takes me today.
I'm tired.
I've been waking up at 5:30am for the last few weeks. I guess it's the changing season and the early rising of the sun. A hint of light slides through the window covering and my mind takes its queue that this is when we wake. Instantly, the lists flood my head... the things I've forgotten to write down, the deadlines that are soon approaching and still not accommodated. It's a lot.
Especially for a perfectionist. I've tried - trust me - to let go of that. It's like telling someone to just stop smoking. Possible? Sure. Easy? No. A life-long battle? Absolutely.
Normally, writing things down helps. It helps to get things out of my head and not have to keep track anymore. And that's still true. But writing it down also solidifies it. It's a quick, one-stop spot for the overwhelming amount of tasks on the plate.
And for some reason, my head feels cloudy. Perhaps a little sludgy. I can feel it when I try to think about moving on and accomplishing something to cross off the list. It's like the gears in my brain are spinning through mud.
The worst thing is actually when I do a task only to have to add another task onto the list because of it. Like the phone call I made today (which was actually the 3rd one to AT&T just so we can have fiber optic internet) that led to another phone call that I have to place after 11am, which will likely still not resolve the problem. All for internet service?
Sunday, April 19, 2015
My $29 Food Stamps Menu
So... I've seen some things about Gwyneth Paltrow and how she failed at the Food Stamp challenge. I needed a little diversion, so I used Walmart's new online ordering page to make my own $29 menu.
There are a couple of caveats, of course. First of all, Alabama's average payout is $29.66, and the average in the US is actually $30.71, according to KFF.org. So, I'm shooting for the Alabama amounts because I have to pick a zip code for the Walmart prices and I have information about Alabama's sales tax (and yes, it does apply to food).
Next, there's the idea that lots of people on food stamps are not cooking for 1. And I think we all know how difficult it is to cook for 1 on a budget, mainly because the most budget friendly meals are ones that you make with ingredients and you often need to buy in larger portions. For example, I did my weekly shopping today and spent $126, which is just $11 over the average payout for a family of 4. We'll have a different meal every night. But when you want to cook for one, you often have to choose between eating the same thing every single day or going over budget. Since going over budget isn't an option for food stamp recipients, there will be a lot of repetition in our menu here.
To me, this isn't really that big of a problem. I mean, if I were literally depending on the government for my groceries, then I think lack of variety in my foods would be the least of my worries. However, I decided that I do like variety, and I would try to find ways to add in some options.
Another issue that comes when you're talking about families is that while kids are in school, the children are given a free meal (or two if the school provides breakfast, which many do) every week day. So, when you talk about the per person rates, these really are not intended to cover for every single meal unless you're talking about individual adults.
Limited to $29.66, it's hard to get a balance of healthy and cheap. So, what I ended up with is certainly not an ideal diet that we should all follow.
Fortunately, though, there is pretty much no one in the country that is completely dependent on food stamps. There are churches on every corner in America, and they pretty much all have resources for people who are hungry. In all actuality, as soon as someone moves from 1 person of food stamps, I would suggest an organization like One Harvest. They have great prices and good quality foods.
My last disclaimer is that this list is based on a zero-pantry starting point. The next week, however, I wouldn't have to buy bread or peanut butter, so I could add something different in... maybe some tuna, for example.
Regardless, here's my list of food, which adds up to $27.83 (I'm not sure if states are allowed to charge sales tax on food stamps, so for those states that charge sales tax, this could be problematic. Huntsville's sales tax would take this up another $2.50, putting the total at $30.33. I will readily admit that I am having trouble getting it down below that, but I'm also having trouble believing that a person couldn't scrounge up 67 cents a week just by asking the person behind them in line if they had any change. So, we'll call that one even.)
Mahatma Long Grain Rice and Beans w/ Seasoning (2) - 3.28
Weight Watchers Smart Ones Classics (7) - 13.16
1/2 Gallon 2% Milk (1) - 1.88
Frozen Mixed Veggies 32 oz. (1) - 1.98
Bananas (2 lbs) - 1.04
Imperial Margarine (1 lb) - 0.68
Smucker's Natural PB (1) - 2.78
Eggs (1 dozen) - $1.55
Whole Wheat bread (16oz) - $1.48
Here's what a typical day will look like for this person:
Breakfast:
2 eggs scrambled - made with margarine
1 piece of toast with margarine and peanut butter
1 cup milk
Lunch:
Beans, Rice, and mixed veggies
Water
Snack:
Banana
Dinner:
Healthy Choice meal - one of several varieties
Water
Nutritional Info
Calories: 1221
Carbs: 175g
Protein: 64g
Fat: 37g
Fiber: 18g
So, as you can see...
Yes, it's boring; yes, I will be hungry if I eat this and only this; no, it's not the perfect healthy menu, but still it's doable.
There are a couple of caveats, of course. First of all, Alabama's average payout is $29.66, and the average in the US is actually $30.71, according to KFF.org. So, I'm shooting for the Alabama amounts because I have to pick a zip code for the Walmart prices and I have information about Alabama's sales tax (and yes, it does apply to food).
Next, there's the idea that lots of people on food stamps are not cooking for 1. And I think we all know how difficult it is to cook for 1 on a budget, mainly because the most budget friendly meals are ones that you make with ingredients and you often need to buy in larger portions. For example, I did my weekly shopping today and spent $126, which is just $11 over the average payout for a family of 4. We'll have a different meal every night. But when you want to cook for one, you often have to choose between eating the same thing every single day or going over budget. Since going over budget isn't an option for food stamp recipients, there will be a lot of repetition in our menu here.
To me, this isn't really that big of a problem. I mean, if I were literally depending on the government for my groceries, then I think lack of variety in my foods would be the least of my worries. However, I decided that I do like variety, and I would try to find ways to add in some options.
Another issue that comes when you're talking about families is that while kids are in school, the children are given a free meal (or two if the school provides breakfast, which many do) every week day. So, when you talk about the per person rates, these really are not intended to cover for every single meal unless you're talking about individual adults.
Limited to $29.66, it's hard to get a balance of healthy and cheap. So, what I ended up with is certainly not an ideal diet that we should all follow.
Fortunately, though, there is pretty much no one in the country that is completely dependent on food stamps. There are churches on every corner in America, and they pretty much all have resources for people who are hungry. In all actuality, as soon as someone moves from 1 person of food stamps, I would suggest an organization like One Harvest. They have great prices and good quality foods.
My last disclaimer is that this list is based on a zero-pantry starting point. The next week, however, I wouldn't have to buy bread or peanut butter, so I could add something different in... maybe some tuna, for example.
Regardless, here's my list of food, which adds up to $27.83 (I'm not sure if states are allowed to charge sales tax on food stamps, so for those states that charge sales tax, this could be problematic. Huntsville's sales tax would take this up another $2.50, putting the total at $30.33. I will readily admit that I am having trouble getting it down below that, but I'm also having trouble believing that a person couldn't scrounge up 67 cents a week just by asking the person behind them in line if they had any change. So, we'll call that one even.)
Mahatma Long Grain Rice and Beans w/ Seasoning (2) - 3.28
Weight Watchers Smart Ones Classics (7) - 13.16
1/2 Gallon 2% Milk (1) - 1.88
Frozen Mixed Veggies 32 oz. (1) - 1.98
Bananas (2 lbs) - 1.04
Imperial Margarine (1 lb) - 0.68
Smucker's Natural PB (1) - 2.78
Eggs (1 dozen) - $1.55
Whole Wheat bread (16oz) - $1.48
Here's what a typical day will look like for this person:
Breakfast:
2 eggs scrambled - made with margarine
1 piece of toast with margarine and peanut butter
1 cup milk
Lunch:
Beans, Rice, and mixed veggies
Water
Snack:
Banana
Dinner:
Healthy Choice meal - one of several varieties
Water
Nutritional Info
Calories: 1221
Carbs: 175g
Protein: 64g
Fat: 37g
Fiber: 18g
So, as you can see...
Yes, it's boring; yes, I will be hungry if I eat this and only this; no, it's not the perfect healthy menu, but still it's doable.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
My 3 Things
A couple of weeks ago, my good friend Kara wrote about 5 things that are super meaningful to her. It was at a time when we were just finding out the details of moving to San Francisco, and I knew for sure that I would be going through all my possessions to decide what truly mattered enough to move them across the country.
I was later challenged by a friend as to why we don't just sell everything and start fresh, and I spent a lot of time mulling it over. As many of you know, I'm pretty passionate about simplicity.... I even used to write for the 100 Thing Challenge blog about how fleeting our stuff is and how much deeper meaning we find when we let go of material possessions in order to focus on the lasting impact our lives can make. So, it was a little strange to find myself wrestling so intensely with the concept of that release.
When it comes down to it, I found there were really only a handful of things that I feel deeply connected to. Sure, we'll still keep some of our stuff when we move... mostly because it just takes too much time and energy to start fresh and because the one most meaningful possession that I have isn't something that I can just replace.
I was later challenged by a friend as to why we don't just sell everything and start fresh, and I spent a lot of time mulling it over. As many of you know, I'm pretty passionate about simplicity.... I even used to write for the 100 Thing Challenge blog about how fleeting our stuff is and how much deeper meaning we find when we let go of material possessions in order to focus on the lasting impact our lives can make. So, it was a little strange to find myself wrestling so intensely with the concept of that release.
When it comes down to it, I found there were really only a handful of things that I feel deeply connected to. Sure, we'll still keep some of our stuff when we move... mostly because it just takes too much time and energy to start fresh and because the one most meaningful possession that I have isn't something that I can just replace.
1. My piano
There's a story behind this piano. And perhaps if I didn't use it daily, I could get over the story and move away from keeping a large item simply for sentimental purposes. But the truth is that this piano was meaningful to my mom and it was important to her that one of her children play piano. Fortunately for me, I was the youngest, and therefore, it fell on me after the other two kids wanted to stop taking lessons. I learned to play the piano on this instrument - one that she prayed for as a young mom. Many hours of my young life were seated here with fingers gliding, stumbling, sometimes running across the solid, heavy keys. I learned the famous classical pieces, which I rarely play these days. These days, it's the songs that I wish I'd written - Rich Mullins, Sarah McLachlan, Ben Folds, even Jimmy Eats World... acoustic versions of whatever song pulls on my emotions allowing me a retreat from the stress of existence. I can undoubtedly say that this piano is the sole reason that we are hiring a moving company to go ahead and ship some of our belongings instead of starting from scratch. Smaller things can be mailed. Everything else can be replaced, but there is no substitute for this piano.
2. My pictures
Another, much smaller item that is significant to me is the photo album of my wedding and anniversary photos. Somewhere we might have backups, but if we do, it was at least 3 computers ago, and who knows if they're stuck on the hard drive that I didn't get to clean off before our last machine bit the dust. So, these pictures by Jordan Barclay are incredibly meaningful to me.
3. This portrait
I'm a word person. But sometimes, words aren't enough to really express something. When The Passion of the Christ first came out, it was a burden on my heart. There were a lot of thoughts that went through my mind.... a lot of pain and a lot of gratefulness. And try as I may I couldn't craft a response that did justice for the layers of contemplation happening within me. So, I busted out (and dusted off) the art supplies to create this contour drawing of Jesus. I look at it and remember that there's a God that loves me enough to suffer for my sake, and also that somewhere underneath all the momhood, there's an artist in me.
Friday, February 27, 2015
The Black and White of that Black and Blue Dress - and why it's a metaphor for life
So, before anyone gets upset about my title... Let me say that I was a hardline "white and gold"-er.
When Billy first asked me what color the dress was I had no idea what he was getting at, but I quickly said, "Mustard yellow and white." (Gold is a nicer description, I think.) He responded, "It's black and blue," and I thought "What kind of dumb mind game is he trying to play?" I was instantly annoyed, which for those of you who don't know, is my default emotion. I am a legendary eye-roller.
It took many a website to show either of us that the other wasn't completely insane. One website showed us the original dress on sale, but I was convinced that it was just the same dress in another color scheme and someone out there had a vendetta against me (and all of those like me who understood that the dress was in the shadows of a tent in a very sunny outdoor market). Another site showed up that if you color pick all the colors in the dress, they are shades of brown/tan/yellow and some blue (i.e. white in the shade, hello!!!!). Yet Billy clung to the fact that it was at least blue, even though it was no where near the deep blue he was seeing in the original.
Things were getting tense.
Then Eve walked in and saw black and blue, and Billy smiled, and I felt attacked. (I, apparently, feel attacked quite easily... need to work on this.)
Eventually, I tilted my screen and saw the dress as black and blue. After that, I was able to see it as black and blue with the screen at a normal incline. Well, most of the time.... there were still a few times that my original color scheme came back, and I started feel legitimately crazy that I could see the same photo is two very different, yet reasonable, ways.
But honestly... who cares about a dress or a color scheme or an internet debate? It's fleeting. A crazy thing we'll all move past once the weekend flies by. Except, really, we'll go about our lives doing the exact same thing with pretty much everything else. And I only hope that this lesson on perspective and fact will teach us something about how we treat those we disagree with.
The fact is that the dress was black and blue. But wait! The fact also was that there was no black in the picture and that the lace embellishments were actually tans and browns, aka golds.
The thing is that some of us looked at the colors and corrected for the lace. We saw colors that indicated gold, and corrected the blue to be shaded white. Others corrected for the dress. They saw washed out blue and corrected the browns to be washed out black. We looked at the facts, but saw two different, yet equally reasonable images.
So, where's the life lesson? It's this: If we truly want to move forward and turn disagreements into discussions, we have to be willing to give the benefit of the doubt to our conversation partners and stop assuming that people are crazy for believing something that makes no sense to us personally.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard disagreements devolve into statements such as "That makes no sense at all!" (or worse... "You make no sense at all!")
Could it be that sometimes we enter into discussions with others who may have a completely reasonable way of thinking something? Even if it doesn't make sense to us? Just because something doesn't make sense to me doesn't mean it doesn't make sense at all.
And maybe you're like me and want to say, "Well, but the dress was black and blue!" Yes, I understand that. I admit that I was technically wrong with my conclusion. But all of you blue and blackers out there... can you admit that I was still reasonable?
When Billy first asked me what color the dress was I had no idea what he was getting at, but I quickly said, "Mustard yellow and white." (Gold is a nicer description, I think.) He responded, "It's black and blue," and I thought "What kind of dumb mind game is he trying to play?" I was instantly annoyed, which for those of you who don't know, is my default emotion. I am a legendary eye-roller.
It took many a website to show either of us that the other wasn't completely insane. One website showed us the original dress on sale, but I was convinced that it was just the same dress in another color scheme and someone out there had a vendetta against me (and all of those like me who understood that the dress was in the shadows of a tent in a very sunny outdoor market). Another site showed up that if you color pick all the colors in the dress, they are shades of brown/tan/yellow and some blue (i.e. white in the shade, hello!!!!). Yet Billy clung to the fact that it was at least blue, even though it was no where near the deep blue he was seeing in the original.
Things were getting tense.
Then Eve walked in and saw black and blue, and Billy smiled, and I felt attacked. (I, apparently, feel attacked quite easily... need to work on this.)
Eventually, I tilted my screen and saw the dress as black and blue. After that, I was able to see it as black and blue with the screen at a normal incline. Well, most of the time.... there were still a few times that my original color scheme came back, and I started feel legitimately crazy that I could see the same photo is two very different, yet reasonable, ways.
But honestly... who cares about a dress or a color scheme or an internet debate? It's fleeting. A crazy thing we'll all move past once the weekend flies by. Except, really, we'll go about our lives doing the exact same thing with pretty much everything else. And I only hope that this lesson on perspective and fact will teach us something about how we treat those we disagree with.
The fact is that the dress was black and blue. But wait! The fact also was that there was no black in the picture and that the lace embellishments were actually tans and browns, aka golds.
The thing is that some of us looked at the colors and corrected for the lace. We saw colors that indicated gold, and corrected the blue to be shaded white. Others corrected for the dress. They saw washed out blue and corrected the browns to be washed out black. We looked at the facts, but saw two different, yet equally reasonable images.
So, where's the life lesson? It's this: If we truly want to move forward and turn disagreements into discussions, we have to be willing to give the benefit of the doubt to our conversation partners and stop assuming that people are crazy for believing something that makes no sense to us personally.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard disagreements devolve into statements such as "That makes no sense at all!" (or worse... "You make no sense at all!")
Could it be that sometimes we enter into discussions with others who may have a completely reasonable way of thinking something? Even if it doesn't make sense to us? Just because something doesn't make sense to me doesn't mean it doesn't make sense at all.
And maybe you're like me and want to say, "Well, but the dress was black and blue!" Yes, I understand that. I admit that I was technically wrong with my conclusion. But all of you blue and blackers out there... can you admit that I was still reasonable?
Monday, January 26, 2015
Beliefs, Actions, and Personalities
I'm a sucker for a good facebook quiz. I mean, I have found out what dessert best suits me (pudding, what?), what my super power should be, my most fulfilling job options, and which dominant intelligence I have.
They sometime ask ridiculous questions... something along the lines of "which smiling baby your favorite?" So, when they give me correct results about my personality, I'm always astounded. It's almost magical, really.
Today, I found out that my dominant intelligence is verbal-linguistic (I'm using "found out" loosely here. I think we were all well aware.). My favorite part of the description was this:
But I came across a question that I had a hard time answering. I didn't have a hard time knowing which answer I was drawn to, but I had a hard time actually clicking the submit button on that one.
It wasn't because I doubted one bit what the most important thing was to me in the list, but it was because I was well aware of the hypocrisy in my life that would probably keep others from knowing the most important thing.
And I wondered... what matters more? Whether I believe something or whether I act a certain way? Which one says more about who I am?
I'll be the first one to insist that these are not mutually exclusive ideas. In fact, I have a hard time even using my words to describe the complexity of how they are intertwined, so this post is bound to be simplistic, but it is also not a full exposition of the topic.
But the question here asked me, "What's most important to you?"
I clicked "relationships" immediately. But then I hesitated when I saw "solving problems" because I'm one of those annoying people that can solve everyone's problems (and I'm pretty good at it, too). My first instinct is to solve problems. I'm a guy that way.... seriously, I took tests about it in a Communications class in college. The results told me that I have a masculine brain.
But one of the biggest things I wrote about in the reflective essay that I turned in with that class was that it bothered me to be an instant problem solver. Because while some people (mostly men) lean towards problem solving, nearly all people prefer a listener who is focused on empathizing with a person. (Hey... these are studies; I just couldn't find them on google. But for real, I'm not making this up.)
Yet, here I am... almost 20 years later... still wrestling with being an instant problem solver instead of a natural relationship-focused empathizer. So, I wondered... does this mean that problem solving is in fact the most important thing to me?
I clicked submit on the relationship answer.
The thing is that sometimes, we can get caught up in reflexes and thoughtless actions and assume that this says more about who we are than our intentional thought. There is a widely-held belief that if you put someone in a stressful situation, you will see who they really are.
Mmmmm... I wholeheartedly disagree. You will certainly see how well they handle stress, which is telling in it's own way. But are we really wanting to corner people into their first, thoughtless response?
Are we really wanting to decide that things we haven't yet perfected -- by the course of human history, it's safe to say we will never perfect -- shows the most true version of us?
They sometime ask ridiculous questions... something along the lines of "which smiling baby your favorite?" So, when they give me correct results about my personality, I'm always astounded. It's almost magical, really.
Today, I found out that my dominant intelligence is verbal-linguistic (I'm using "found out" loosely here. I think we were all well aware.). My favorite part of the description was this:
You always notice grammatical mistakes when reading or writing something, and tend to think of appropriate solutions. You most likely have (or want) and book collection, and maybe even a collection of quotes and sayings that you remembered over the years.If you don't understand why that's funny, then we'll just assume you have a different dominant intelligence.
But I came across a question that I had a hard time answering. I didn't have a hard time knowing which answer I was drawn to, but I had a hard time actually clicking the submit button on that one.
It wasn't because I doubted one bit what the most important thing was to me in the list, but it was because I was well aware of the hypocrisy in my life that would probably keep others from knowing the most important thing.
And I wondered... what matters more? Whether I believe something or whether I act a certain way? Which one says more about who I am?
I'll be the first one to insist that these are not mutually exclusive ideas. In fact, I have a hard time even using my words to describe the complexity of how they are intertwined, so this post is bound to be simplistic, but it is also not a full exposition of the topic.
But the question here asked me, "What's most important to you?"
I clicked "relationships" immediately. But then I hesitated when I saw "solving problems" because I'm one of those annoying people that can solve everyone's problems (and I'm pretty good at it, too). My first instinct is to solve problems. I'm a guy that way.... seriously, I took tests about it in a Communications class in college. The results told me that I have a masculine brain.
But one of the biggest things I wrote about in the reflective essay that I turned in with that class was that it bothered me to be an instant problem solver. Because while some people (mostly men) lean towards problem solving, nearly all people prefer a listener who is focused on empathizing with a person. (Hey... these are studies; I just couldn't find them on google. But for real, I'm not making this up.)
Yet, here I am... almost 20 years later... still wrestling with being an instant problem solver instead of a natural relationship-focused empathizer. So, I wondered... does this mean that problem solving is in fact the most important thing to me?
I clicked submit on the relationship answer.
The thing is that sometimes, we can get caught up in reflexes and thoughtless actions and assume that this says more about who we are than our intentional thought. There is a widely-held belief that if you put someone in a stressful situation, you will see who they really are.
Mmmmm... I wholeheartedly disagree. You will certainly see how well they handle stress, which is telling in it's own way. But are we really wanting to corner people into their first, thoughtless response?
Are we really wanting to decide that things we haven't yet perfected -- by the course of human history, it's safe to say we will never perfect -- shows the most true version of us?
Friday, January 23, 2015
Cuba Bound
So, being the good American that I am, I try to pretend like I know what's going on in the world. I read a selection of stories provided to me by Google News. It's hit or miss, honestly, but I do feel a bit more in tune with global issues than I have been in the past, so I guess it's serving its purpose.
One of the stories that I've been following for the last couple of weeks is that of Cuba/America relations. It was in the news again today, and it got into my head a bit. As you may or may not know, mi suegro es de Cuba. Así que tengo un interés más profundo que otros americanos.
That being the situation, coupled with the tenacity of my ninja planning skills, I have begun preparing for our 10th anniversay... which, may I insert here, is just a year away. What!
Planning a trip to Cuba, though, is still a difficult endeavor as all the good online deals originate from Canada. Since it's unclear when travel to Cuba will open more fully, it's hard to say if we'll be able to find the same kind of deals, but seriously... Canadians can fly to Cuba and stay at an all-inclusive for 5 nights for about $500 a person! How is this even possible?
A few years ago, I flew to Tulsa, Oklahoma, and the ticket itself just to get there cost more than that. Hmmmm.... Tulsa... Cuba... Tulsa... Cuba.... I love my friends, Amanda and Melissa, who I visited in Tulsa, and I also love that United gave me a free ticket for opening a credit card and then immediately closing it after I cashed in the rewards. But still... how is it possible to fly and stay for that little amount?
I know what you're thinking... the properties are probably pieces of trash, but they have really good reviews and nice pictures. It all seems legit.
So, politics aside... mainly because I'm sure there's someone out there who will feel the need to voice their disagreement with me, I'm pretty excited to be able to travel with husband to the homeland of his father. It should be a fun, affordable, and meaningful time.
One of the stories that I've been following for the last couple of weeks is that of Cuba/America relations. It was in the news again today, and it got into my head a bit. As you may or may not know, mi suegro es de Cuba. Así que tengo un interés más profundo que otros americanos.
That being the situation, coupled with the tenacity of my ninja planning skills, I have begun preparing for our 10th anniversay... which, may I insert here, is just a year away. What!
Planning a trip to Cuba, though, is still a difficult endeavor as all the good online deals originate from Canada. Since it's unclear when travel to Cuba will open more fully, it's hard to say if we'll be able to find the same kind of deals, but seriously... Canadians can fly to Cuba and stay at an all-inclusive for 5 nights for about $500 a person! How is this even possible?
A few years ago, I flew to Tulsa, Oklahoma, and the ticket itself just to get there cost more than that. Hmmmm.... Tulsa... Cuba... Tulsa... Cuba.... I love my friends, Amanda and Melissa, who I visited in Tulsa, and I also love that United gave me a free ticket for opening a credit card and then immediately closing it after I cashed in the rewards. But still... how is it possible to fly and stay for that little amount?
I know what you're thinking... the properties are probably pieces of trash, but they have really good reviews and nice pictures. It all seems legit.
So, politics aside... mainly because I'm sure there's someone out there who will feel the need to voice their disagreement with me, I'm pretty excited to be able to travel with husband to the homeland of his father. It should be a fun, affordable, and meaningful time.
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