I feel like crap today, so please... just allow me this space to complain. I don't do it often, really... not in public anyway... and honestly, not in private as much as I could. There are so many things out there to complain about, but it is usually just futile to (1) care so much about every little thing and (2) voice displeasure over every little thing.
I usually save my private complaining for when Christians are selfish or when anti-Christians are ignorant. Or when either is uninterested in truly understanding each others point of view. As you can imagine, I have been doing a lot of complaining in the privacy of my own home with such hot issues as gay marriage and religious freedom court decisions. Because pretty much no one with an opinion on those takes any time to think about the validity of the other side. Am I seriously the only one who has an opinion but still understands why those who disagree with me do so? Is it too much to ask that we not all assume everyone else is a moron with their heads up their rears and that maybe... just maybe... it's okay for gay people to have the same legal rights as straight people and that it's is equally okay for Christians to believe that gay behavior is sinful? What is so hard about this?
But today... that's not even what I want to complain about. Today, I am crying a lot because being a low energy person is really hard.
There are so many pressures put on everyone by society. It seems really weird to me that we each individually yearn for acceptance and tolerance, but then we come together and make these weird rules about who holds value based on how much energy a person has.
If you are finding yourself saying, "What? That's not true!" Then you are probably a person that has tons of energy.
I have a medical condition called low blood pressure. I'm one of the few people that doctors tell to drink more coffee and eat more salt. I hate salt, but coffee is yummy, so I do indulge in 1 cup of caffeinated coffee a day. If I drink more than this, then my overly sensitive body will be up all night, and that only perpetuates the energy problem.
I have tried everything there is to get more energy. I have been vigilant about my sleep patterns, doing all the recommended tactics for falling asleep quickly - the lights dimmed and computers off an hour before bed.... the deep breaths and calming visualization techniques. I have been obsessive about my food intake - counting calories, carbs, proteins... eating organic, vegetarian, vegan, carnivore. I have released perfectionist expectations on myself and others. I have tried light exercise patterns, moderate exercise patterns, and heavy exercise patterns. I have taken melatonin for sleeping and vitamin D for waking up. (Why does spellcheck not recognize melatonin? No, Chrome, I have not taken melanin. I really do mean melatonin.) I have charted my time in the sun and fresh air each day.
All of this to no avail... still, I can count on needing a full afternoon of rest if I partake of two or more morning activities.
And it's frustrating... more than mildly frustrating... it is "I'm finished. I can't handle this. I just want to stay in bed and cry all day" frustrating. It's more than a little annoying to always be the downer at a get together... not because I don't want to be there, either (my introversion is another story). But simply because I used my energy for the hour and a half outing to the museum with the kids, and even after another couple hours at home and a substantial dinner, I just can't work up the energy to engage with my friends. I appear in a bad mood only because my body is done and the resources to smile and strike up conversation are gone. So, I sit alone, ignored... and then my mood only compounds on itself. After trying everything, it is hard to want to try anything anymore. When everything turns into a production, it is hard to even take the first little step.
And then, back to society. You know... people don't understand this lack of energy. And certainly no one attempts to help me overcome it by actually acting in any kind of positive way. People may invite me to things (although... honestly, not that often), but when I can't go because I literally can't get myself out the door, no one is coming over to just hang out with a tired, "grumpy" mom of 3. (Emotions are a weird thing, and people's perception of them are even weirder.)
It's not like I necessarily expect people to understand. I'm not trying to put all the blame on someone else, but I guess this is a very personal reiteration that most people just don't take time to know what other people are going through. Most people live their lives in their own bubble of experience with little creativity to be able to imagine what someone else's shoes are like. I'm probably guilty of the same thing simply by calling it out in others.
But maybe not because, if nothing else, this affliction that I deal with everyday has opened my eyes to accepting and accommodating differences in others, whether physical, cognitive, or personality-based. I feel like it has made me an advocate, of sorts, for the underdog... the person who doesn't fit in the standard deviation, but deserves a voice just the same. At least in my own head and in the privacy of my home. I am not usually the kind of person who speaks up.
So, I'm just complaining today. Maybe I want you to understand me... to understand why it's hard to engage and why every little thing that I do is an effort. Maybe I want to be appreciated for the effort I am able to muster and not overlooked because I'm not present enough. Maybe I'm being emotionally unhealthy because I have let what others require or expect or accept mean more to me than the fact that God's requirements are met and I am fully accepted by Him. He expects nothing of me and requires nothing of me. He just loves me because that's who He is and I am His.
I don't know what the purpose of this post is except that I needed to get this off my chest, and maybe I felt like this could help someone somewhere feel a little more normal or to help someone else be a bit more understanding of someone else. Or maybe, it's just my blog and I will put whatever the heck I feel like up on it and this really is just a rant. I don't see how it even matters, honestly.
No comments:
Post a Comment