This whole journaling thing is still a chore. I remember a time when journaling was my life saver. I was eager to get to the computer lab on campus and type and type and type until there was nothing floating around my head. I can't remember what I wrote about, but I suppose there was a lot going on in my head, if not in my day-to-day. Well, I know there wasn't much in my day-to-day.
The fact is that when I was in college, it was the chillest time in my life. I was busier when I was in high school because the public school system hasn't figured out how to be efficient. I went to school like we all did 7:35-2:40. Band practice was 3:15-5:15 Monday through Thursday. Friday nights were football games and pizza at Mazzio's. Saturdays were contests with 6am start time and midnight returns. Sunday we went to church or occasionally slept in. Monday we started all over again.
I'm exhausted just hearing that.
Today was also exhausting. Not a bad exhausting, just one that is. It is what it is. (Am I the only one that likes this saying? It kind of grounds me. It's a preface to the serenity prayer, which is more helpful than I expected it to be considering how cheesy it also is.)
There are days when I feel alone. Not many people understand the plight of the special needs mom. People don't understand the hours of research and phone calls and driving we do. It's not the typical experience for most people, and I don't expect people to understand, but dang... it would be nice.
Today I didn't feel so alone. In fact, I felt very supported. But I also am tired. I had a 4-hour meeting at ABA about Brian's program, his progress, his deficits. I felt supported that other people see his strengths, but also acknowledge that he's a hard case. By the time we hit the grocery store for fruit and oatmeal and made it home, I was spent. But I couldn't be. I still had work to do. And I opened my computer up to a very nice surprise, honestly.
One of the things I've been working on is a packet for a subsidy increase request. The paralegal in me (at the advice of an attorney) has been dedicating time to detail and thoroughness, and I have felt that it was in vain more than a few times. But today, Brian's doctor sent me a requested letter stating in no uncertain terms that Brian's continued struggles were evident prior to our adoption and that he clearly needs therapeutic levels of intervention. This is a big deal because it can be hard to find a doctor that is willing to put their name on the line to make such definitive statements. But our doctor did it, and it helped me feel supported.
And then I worked. My work is fulfilling. I do a lot of research and writing in my job, and today was no different. It can be tedious. Sometimes the rewards don't come until hours of pouring over medical records, academic studies, and court opinions. Today I read medical reports and summarized them. And I am tired.
But I also had some alone time with Brian and enjoyed watching a show about ... dog shelter makeovers. (what!?!?) It was cute, if not incredibly campy.
So, all in all, it was ... a day. A supported day, a full day, yet ultimately a tiring day.
And so it is... here's to hoping that tomorrow will have the support and the fulfillment. I already know it will be tiring.
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