Beliefs, Actions, and Personalities

I'm a sucker for a good facebook quiz.  I mean, I have found out what dessert best suits me (pudding, what?), what my super power should be, my most fulfilling job options, and which dominant intelligence I have.

They sometime ask ridiculous questions... something along the lines of "which smiling baby your favorite?"  So, when they give me correct results about my personality, I'm always astounded.  It's almost magical, really.

Today, I found out that my dominant intelligence is verbal-linguistic (I'm using "found out" loosely here.  I think we were all well aware.).  My favorite part of the description was this:

You always notice grammatical mistakes when reading or writing something, and tend to think of appropriate solutions. You most likely have (or want) and book collection, and maybe even a collection of quotes and sayings that you remembered over the years. 

If you don't understand why that's funny, then we'll just assume you have a different dominant intelligence.

But I came across a question that I had a hard time answering.  I didn't have a hard time knowing which answer I was drawn to, but I had a hard time actually clicking the submit button on that one.

It wasn't because I doubted one bit what the most important thing was to me in the list, but it was because I was well aware of the hypocrisy in my life that would probably keep others from knowing the most important thing.

And I wondered... what matters more?  Whether I believe something or whether I act a certain way?  Which one says more about who I am?

I'll be the first one to insist that these are not mutually exclusive ideas.  In fact, I have a hard time even using my words to describe the complexity of how they are intertwined, so this post is bound to be simplistic, but it is also not a full exposition of the topic.

But the question here asked me, "What's most important to you?"

I clicked "relationships" immediately.  But then I hesitated when I saw "solving problems" because I'm one of those annoying people that can solve everyone's problems (and I'm pretty good at it, too).  My first instinct is to solve problems.  I'm a guy that way.... seriously, I took tests about it in a Communications class in college.  The results told me that I have a masculine brain.

But one of the biggest things I wrote about in the reflective essay that I turned in with that class was that it bothered me to be an instant problem solver.  Because while some people (mostly men) lean towards problem solving, nearly all people prefer a listener who is focused on empathizing with a person.  (Hey... these are studies; I just couldn't find them on google.  But for real, I'm not making this up.)

Yet, here I am... almost 20 years later... still wrestling with being an instant problem solver instead of a natural relationship-focused empathizer.  So, I wondered... does this mean that problem solving is in fact the most important thing to me?

I clicked submit on the relationship answer.

The thing is that sometimes, we can get caught up in reflexes and thoughtless actions and assume that this says more about who we are than our intentional thought.  There is a widely-held belief that if you put someone in a stressful situation, you will see who they really are.

Mmmmm... I wholeheartedly disagree.  You will certainly see how well they handle stress, which is telling in it's own way.  But are we really wanting to corner people into their first, thoughtless response?

Are we really wanting to decide that things we haven't yet perfected -- by the course of human history, it's safe to say we will never perfect -- shows the most true version of us?

Cuba Bound

So, being the good American that I am, I try to pretend like I know what's going on in the world.  I read a selection of stories provided to me by Google News.  It's hit or miss, honestly, but I do feel a bit more in tune with global issues than I have been in the past, so I guess it's serving its purpose.

One of the stories that I've been following for the last couple of weeks is that of Cuba/America relations.  It was in the news again today, and it got into my head a bit.  As you may or may not know, mi suegro es de Cuba.  Así que tengo un interés más profundo que otros americanos.

That being the situation, coupled with the tenacity of my ninja planning skills, I have begun preparing for our 10th anniversay... which, may I insert here, is just a year away.  What!

Planning a trip to Cuba, though, is still a difficult endeavor as all the good online deals originate from Canada.  Since it's unclear when travel to Cuba will open more fully, it's hard to say if we'll be able to find the same kind of deals, but seriously... Canadians can fly to Cuba and stay at an all-inclusive for 5 nights for about $500 a person!  How is this even possible?

A few years ago, I flew to Tulsa, Oklahoma, and the ticket itself just to get there cost more than that.  Hmmmm.... Tulsa... Cuba... Tulsa... Cuba.... I love my friends, Amanda and Melissa, who I visited in Tulsa, and I also love that United gave me a free ticket for opening a credit card and then immediately closing it after I cashed in the rewards.  But still... how is it possible to fly and stay for that little amount?

I know what you're thinking... the properties are probably pieces of trash, but they have really good reviews and nice pictures.  It all seems legit.

So, politics aside... mainly because I'm sure there's someone out there who will feel the need to voice their disagreement with me, I'm pretty excited to be able to travel with husband to the homeland of his father.  It should be a fun, affordable, and meaningful time.

On Intraracial Marriage

When I was in high school, I used to write on my shoes.  I grew up in the 90s, so I'm not sure what  you expecting from me other than that.  They were rust colored Vans with thick white soles screaming for some individualization.  Plus, it was the thing to do back then, and didn't I want to conform right alongside the rest of my non-conforming social group?

The messages ranged from silly to profound, but the one that I'm thinking of today was one that drew a bit more surprise and mixed reactions than the others.  I said simply and clearly, "I love black men."

One guy I knew once told me I was racist, to which I responded from my arsenal of Seinfeld quotes (it was the 90s, remember... heck Seinfeld quotes are still amazing), "If I like their race, how can that be racist?"

He told me I was racist against whites.

Well, jokes on him cause I married a cracker.

Actually, I married a man with a mixed heritage, but until people get to know us and learn about our family, Billy and I look like the standard white couple.  And it bothers me sometimes.

I know... for a fact.... that I am over-analyzing this.  But sometimes, I think people might look at me and think that for all the things I say about racial equality and loving diversity, I wasn't willing to put my money where my mouth is when it came to who I married.  Which is absolute crap.  It just so happens that I fell deeply in love with a "white" man.   And, furthermore, why do I even care?

But I recently read a blog post from a man who I really respect named Bryan Loritts and he explains how it is that he, as a black man, married a half Irish/half Mexican woman.  The post is amazing, and I really encourage everyone to read it.  It's a compelling story of redemption and the journey that he traveled trying to negotiate what it means to be a black man who finds his identity not in acceptance from his race, but in acceptance from his savior, Jesus.

The line that hit me hard, though, and that I'm writing about today was this:

We decided that our ethnicities would not be ignored, and at the same time would not become the ultimate focus of our relationship. 

Later, he says:

 On and on we can go, yet we must keep coming back to the essential truth that we don’t hang our ultimate joys or disappointments on the color of our skin, or the ignorance of others.  Our lives are hidden in Christ. 

Finally, he sums it up by saying:

Forgive the bluntness of it, but I’m in love with my wife.  I want to be sensitive to you and your feelings, but I will not allow anyone and their aversion to interracial relationships to keep me from enjoying life with my bride.  

(insert husband for wife, and intraracial relationships for interracial relationships)

And I realized that, first of all, it's probably all in my head and there probably are very few people concerned with whether I married a white man or not.  And second of all, if I am truly to be enjoying diversity regardless of race, then marrying a white man who has a very different personality than myself is a huge step in this same endeavor.

Saying Yes

Since our family is on the verge of very big change, I'm had lots of occasion to do some deep soul searching and questioning.  Actually, let me rephrase that.  I've had many occasions when the concept of needing to do deep soul searching and questioning has come to mind.

The fact is that I still have 3 kids surrounding me day in/day out, and two of those are of the constantly underfoot variety.  So, I haven't yet done much of the said searching or questioning.

I did, however, have a couple of conversations recently that have been both very helpful and very sigh-inducing.  I tend to be the kind of person who always wants depth.  So, a cursory conversation can be encouraging, for sure.  But it always raises so much more than it answers.

But this is all just side note to my real point, which is this:  it's time to focus.

I've been playing with the idea of what I will do with my time once the kids are in school 7+ hours a day.  Since I've never experienced this, I have limited idea of how much I will be able to cram in or if I'll have any energy to cram at all.  I'm hoping and praying that, once the kids go to school, my personal stress levels will lower and this will allow me to accomplish more from my personal passion list than I've been able to before.
I've always tried to look at homeschooling as a worthy sacrifice.  It was something that I did for the benefit of my kids because I believed it to be the best option for them.  But, let's face it, homeschooling 2 kids full time and 1 kid part-time (Little B went to preschool half days) is a job.  It's not floating on a cloud and eating bon-bons.  Sure, I enjoyed it a lot ... but it is a sacrifice.

So, now, I face the challenge of having so many pent up desires, all of which are worthy.  But certainly, I can't accomplish them all.  In the next few weeks, I'll be going through my hopes and coming up with a personal grid of what I can say "yes" to.  And it means I'll say "no" to other things.

Here's some concrete stuff I'm thinking of.  I have thought about...
 returning to the freelance world...
 and continuing with language learning...
 and starting a cooking class for women on food stamps...
and taking art classes...
and continuing with dance...
and joining in organizing a new tutoring program in Title 1 schools nearby...
and volunteering in my own kids' schools...
and going back to counsel women seeking help making important life and death decisions...
and starting a rental company that serves low income families with rent subsidies based on positive life choices...
and working out...
and making more food from scratch...
and raising chickens...
and painting the house...
and resting...
and fostering a healthy spiritual life in myself and my kids...

But c'mon!  I only have 7 hours a day while the kids are in school. I can't do it all.  Or maybe I could and it would all be done crappily.  So, I have a lot of thinking to do about what my priorities and goals are and what I can say "yes" to.

Momables - Lunch Menu Planning Service Review

As you all know, we've made the decision to enter the school system.  After 8 years of homeschooling, I will now have all my kids in a traditional school setting, which means packing lunches for lots of people every day.  I thought it might be fun to not pack the same old thing all the time.  While at home, we have the advantage of mixing it up here and there with some hot lunch options, ranging from hot dogs to quesadillas or leftovers.  But I'll be honest, I don't really have a very wide repertoire for cold lunches... mainly just PB&J and lunch meat.

So, when I came across Momables, I thought I would give it a try.  I've used various meal planning services for our dinners with (mostly) good results.  Today, I received my 7th menu for Momables, and I feel like I have enough experience to write a review.

The Set-up

Momables is a once-a-week, 5-meal plan that is sent out via e-mail and available on the Momables website for download.  The pdf has a coverpage with a summary of the 5 lunches and time-saving tips.  Then, each recipe gets its own page with a picture, as well as being included on a one-page quick reference sheet.  The last page is a grocery list.  A free sample plan is available if you're willing to give them your e-mail address.

Three of the recipes are measured for one serving, and two are called "family size" with the stated purpose of eating them for dinner and packing leftovers.

When I signed up, they had two options for subscriptions: 3 months for $18 or 12 months for 60.  Those prices increased on July 5 to 3 months for $24 and 12 months for $79 (that's $8 or $6.60 per month, respectively).

The Good

Momables definitely has a nice format.  I really like that they include both individual recipe pages, as well as the one-sheet printoff.  I personally like the one-page because it's easy to tack up inside my cupboard door (which is what I often do with my dinner plan).

The packing tips are also nice because they have already tested how much of a lunch can be prepped ahead and how far ahead compared to which steps really need to be completed the day of.

And, of course, like all meal planning services, Momables takes the work out of compiling meals and grocery lists.

Lastly, though perhaps most importantly, most of the recipes and ideas are kid-friendly.  I have tried adding the lunch option on e-meals only to have the money go to waste because the meals were so un-friendly to kids.  (The exception is the occassional meal like "Salami, Olive, and Cream Cheese Pinwheels."  Does that sound good to anyone at all?)

The Bad

Unfortunately, Momables' lunches are not very diverse.  As I said earlier, I have received 7 weeks' worth of plans (including the free sample).  So far, there have been 7 types of sandwiches or wraps that include cream cheese.  In both week 6 and week 3, there were 2 each.  There have been 3 different variations on the grilled cheese sandwich. Week 3 lunches also had 3 different recipes that incorporated bacon as a main part of the meal.  

Another downside is that the "family size" meals are not very dinner-friendly.  My family doesn't eat risotto or orza salad for dinner.  Those would be considered a lunch or a side in this house, and I would imagine in most American households.  In one menu, the "family size" dinner meal is a grilled cheese option.  Certainly, I can do sandwiches now and again for my family at dinner, but that would be considered a light meal for dinner, so when they try to say that they are giving bonus dinner ideas, I find this to be a little bit of a white lie.  In reality, they are giving you lunch ideas and then suggesting you eat a light dinner the night before.
Fortunately, I use a different meal-planning service for dinner, so this particular problem isn't that big of a deal to me.

The last - and possibly least important - negative is that the plans don't include sides, but only the main meal for lunch.  Most meal plans I've used (and trust me, I've tried a lot!) include sides.  There are pictures with some interesting side items, so I can always take a look at those and adjust my shopping list accordingly, but if I'm going to pay for a meal plan, I do like to have a full meal planned for me.  This is particularly true because the Momables site has a lot of great homemade sides recipes, and I think it would be great to include these in the meal plan and grocery list.

The Verdict

Honestly, I'm still on the fence.  If the price change hadn't happened, I probably would have renewed my membership.  After all, the menus are more diverse than what I was working with at first (remember? PB&J or lunch meat).  And $5 or 6 a month is worth it when you consider that time is money. However, with the seemingly arbitrary price increase, I'm not sure that I can justify it right now, if only for the principle of it.  I will certainly re-evaluate when my 3 months is up, but at this point, I'm thinking that I can spend a couple hours a month looking at Pinterest to find some basic ideas and then come up with my own variations on a theme, which is what Momables basically boils down to for me.

So, while Momables fills the internet's lunch-packing gap, I'm not so sure it will fill a gap in this family

The Many Chains of Freedom

So, today is the 4th of July, and I think it's a good day to talk about freedom.  So, there are obviously a few things that come to mind, ranging from gratefulness that I live in a place where I have a voice in my rulers to distaste that there is still more slavery today than at anytime in history... and it's in America.

It's hard to know which way to go with this post, honestly... do I play the patriot or the cynic?  Or can I be both at the same time?  I think I can.  Yeah... let's give that a try.

This morning, I'm just sitting here in my comfortable city dwelling feeling happy that my kids are here, but entertaining themselves.  And that my husband has the day off, but is still sleeping.  And that I own things.  And that it's sunny out, but not brutal (that one has nothing to do with freedom.... I'm fairly certain that they had sun in communist Russia.... although anytime I've read anything about it, my mental reel plays an overcast sky).

So... freedom.  Yeah, here's the thing. While I'm sitting here basking in the freedom that I have, I can't push aside the thoughts that even in our country there are people who technically are just as free as me, but run up against systemic oppression and cultural barriers.  I'm not going to go into it.... honestly because I have too much to say about it for what I want this to be today.

But I guess even with that reality in my near vicinity, I find joy in the concept of freedom.  Because while our human ideas of free and, moreover, our human implementation of freedom are so flawed and unfair, it is a mirror.  The desire for freedom that is in us reflects a truer freedom.  We all seem to know that the freedom we experience should be more complete... that it should reach more people... that it should bring peace or come from peace or somehow in someway be related to peace.

The thing is that it's hard to really pin it down, but sometimes, we just know that something is not quite how it ought to be.  We want something better, not selfishly, but for others as well.  We who celebrate our independence today want to see the oppressed set free.  (Not to get political, but really... can we not just admit that the people who support continuing military efforts in Iraq do so not because of oil, but because they do actually value freedom?  Please don't think you understand anything about my personal political views based on that sentence because most likely you don't.  I'm just saying that people I've talked to who support the war(s) do so because they truly do care that people be free.)

Anyway... there's this yearning... this hope for more... this understanding that the world is not quite right.... the idea that no one should be able to own someone, or politically enslave them, or emotionally enslave them.  There's this truth that no matter what political system is in place, there are still people who are tied down by pain and abuse.  And though they may have the right to vote, they are captives in their own lives everyday.  So it becomes glaringly obvious that the government can only do so much and there is a deeper bondage that they are bound by.  And we wonder.... Where is freedom for them?  And why should I experience it more than they?

Freedom is a hard thing... and a messy thing... and a hopeful thing.

Why I Feel Like Giving Up

I feel like crap today, so please... just allow me this space to complain.  I don't do it often, really... not in public anyway... and honestly, not in private as much as I could.  There are so many things out there to complain about, but it is usually just futile to (1) care so much about every little thing and (2) voice displeasure over every little thing.

I usually save my private complaining for when Christians are selfish or when anti-Christians are ignorant.  Or when either is uninterested in truly understanding each others point of view.  As you can imagine, I have been doing a lot of complaining in the privacy of my own home with such hot issues as gay marriage and religious freedom court decisions.  Because pretty much no one with an opinion on those takes any time to think about the validity of the other side.  Am I seriously the only one who has an opinion but still understands why those who disagree with me do so?  Is it too much to ask that we not all assume everyone else is a moron with their heads up their rears and that maybe... just maybe... it's okay for gay people to have the same legal rights as straight people and that it's is equally okay for Christians to believe that gay behavior is sinful?  What is so hard about this?

But today... that's not even what I want to complain about.  Today, I am crying a lot because being a low energy person is really hard.

There are so many pressures put on everyone by society.  It seems really weird to me that we each individually yearn for acceptance and tolerance, but then we come together and make these weird rules about who holds value based on how much energy a person has.

If you are finding yourself saying, "What?  That's not true!"  Then you are probably a person that has tons of energy.

I have a medical condition called low blood pressure.  I'm one of the few people that doctors tell to drink more coffee and eat more salt.  I hate salt, but coffee is yummy, so I do indulge in 1 cup of caffeinated coffee a day.  If I drink more than this, then my overly sensitive body will be up all night, and that only perpetuates the energy problem.

I have tried everything there is to get more energy.  I have been vigilant about my sleep patterns, doing all the recommended tactics for falling asleep quickly - the lights dimmed and computers off an hour before bed.... the deep breaths and calming visualization techniques.  I have been obsessive about my food intake - counting calories, carbs, proteins... eating organic, vegetarian, vegan, carnivore.  I have released perfectionist expectations on myself and others.  I have tried light exercise patterns, moderate exercise patterns, and heavy exercise patterns.  I have taken melatonin for sleeping and vitamin D for waking up.  (Why does spellcheck not recognize melatonin?  No, Chrome, I have not taken melanin. I really do mean melatonin.) I have charted my time in the sun and fresh air each day.

All of this to no avail... still, I can count on needing a full afternoon of rest if I partake of two or more morning activities.

And it's frustrating... more than mildly frustrating... it is "I'm finished.  I can't handle this. I just want to stay in bed and cry all day" frustrating.  It's more than a little annoying to always be the downer at a get together... not because I don't want to be there, either (my introversion is another story).  But simply because I used my energy for the hour and a half outing to the museum with the kids, and even after another couple hours at home and a substantial dinner, I just can't work up the energy to engage with my friends.  I appear in a bad mood only because my body is done and the resources to smile and strike up conversation are gone.  So, I sit alone, ignored... and then my mood only compounds on itself.  After trying everything, it is hard to want to try anything anymore.  When everything turns into a production, it is hard to even take the first little step.

And then, back to society.  You know... people don't understand this lack of energy.  And certainly no one attempts to help me overcome it by actually acting in any kind of positive way.  People may invite me to things (although... honestly, not that often), but when I can't go because I literally can't get myself out the door, no one is coming over to just hang out with a tired, "grumpy" mom of 3.  (Emotions are a weird thing, and people's perception of them are even weirder.)

It's not like I necessarily expect people to understand.  I'm not trying to put all the blame on someone else, but I guess this is a very personal reiteration that most people just don't take time to know what other people are going through.  Most people live their lives in their own bubble of experience with little creativity to be able to imagine what someone else's shoes are like.  I'm probably guilty of the same thing simply by calling it out in others.

But maybe not because, if nothing else, this affliction that I deal with everyday has opened my eyes to accepting and accommodating differences in others, whether physical, cognitive, or personality-based.  I feel like it has made me an advocate, of sorts, for the underdog... the person who doesn't fit in the standard deviation, but deserves a voice just the same.  At least in my own head and in the privacy of my home.  I am not usually the kind of person who speaks up.

So, I'm just complaining today.  Maybe I want you to understand me... to understand why it's hard to engage and why every little thing that I do is an effort.  Maybe I want to be appreciated for the effort I am able to muster and not overlooked because I'm not present enough.  Maybe I'm being emotionally unhealthy because I have let what others require or expect or accept mean more to me than the fact that God's requirements are met and I am fully accepted by Him.  He expects nothing of me and requires nothing of me.  He just loves me because that's who He is and I am His.

I don't know what the purpose of this post is except that I needed to get this off my chest, and maybe I felt like this could help someone somewhere feel a little more normal or to help someone else be a bit more understanding of someone else.  Or maybe, it's just my blog and I will put whatever the heck I feel like up on it and this really is just a rant.  I don't see how it even matters, honestly.